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2018-12-10 22:33:09 UTC 2018-12-10 22:42 UTC

josh:  Hello! I've got just one week left of radiation and daily chemo - next Monday is my final day, then I get like a month off (including the imunotherapy trial) and then resume chemo but not as frequently - more like a few days on and some more days off. The imunotherapy trial resumes its regular biweekly infusion. I'm starting to feel pretty beat up from the treatments (but still able to work), so I'm looking forward to the break.

The hair thing is still going on. I finally got a hair cut to try and make both sides look the same, but I'm now wondering whether that was a great approach. Here's a "before" shot on the way to MD Anderson:

And here are left and right "after" shots on the way back:

Hmm.... I'm thinking the cue ball strategy is getting more attractive :). They said that the burned off hair (left side) will probably start growing back after 6 months, but it might be thinner than before.

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2018-12-1 20:01:03 UTC 2018-12-01 23:00 UTC
josh:  Having a great weekend. I haven't come up with a strategy on the missing hair problem, so I'm walking around with the bizarre partial bowl cut look. I get some strange looks, but no one has laughed (at least not loud enough for me to hear it :) )

I'm pretty much over the cold - yay! Things really got better, even though I'm going into the final two weeks of radiation, which they warned me would cause the most fatigue -- followed by continued fatigue for the first two weeks after the radiation protocol.

I've had more encouraging meetings with MD Anderson doctors. One of them told me I should be 'journaling' -- there are multiple ways to interpret that, but I think the main point was a regularly repeated expression and maybe documentation of the way I'm feeling / thinking as time goes past. I'm terrible at that. If I do much documentation, it likely won't be here (i.e., public), but I thought for my update this Saturday I'd take a shot at it once.

The other night I woke up in the wee hours and could not stop remembering a particular song that I worked on with my friend Chris Lively (mentioned him a few posts back) in late 2014 on his album before the latest one. Other than the music itself playing in my head, I remembered some unusual behavior from me during the production process and decided that might be a good thing to journal about. The song is absolutely beautiful (writing and vocal/instrumental performance - all of which Chris did himself, btw), and I think Chris was intending for it to be uplifting and positive, but I had other ideas.

Like every good artist, Chris does not disclose his own interpretations of his songs (to the classic extreme which makes you wonder if he even has them), but in this case I was up front with him about my own interpretation: a story about fighting a particular battle and *losing*. I was certain that's not what he was thinking, but he said it was interesting.

(as an aside, if you see Chris play live -- which I highly recommend -- you'll notice that he plays this song quite differently from what's on the album. I'm not sure why, but one likely reason is that the studio version has a strong set of backup vocal tracks which I imagine are not always creatable in the live performance scenario - there are other possible reasons as well :) )

So, the other night I remembered creating more impact on this song than usual during editing and mixing. Clearly I went too far, and at Chris' request, I wound up rolling back some (but not all) of the things I had done before its inclusion in the album. It was this pre-clean-up version that was going through my head, and I thought it would be nice to make a journal entry about my memory of that version. The following day I found the old music project file and opened it, intending to click 'undo' a few times to get the mix back to where it was before the final. I quickly realized that my system had changed so much over the past few years that the approach could not be so simple.

So, I spent a some time to rebuild the version I was remembering. In the process, I saw that my memory of the editing/mixing process was inaccurate. I thought I simply did some edit-polishing and finished up the high level changes with a cursory knod to my interpretation, but I could see that's not what happened. Rather, I used quite a bit of focus to create things like the unnerving pitch wobbles and the overpowering of the vocal tracks by the guitar tracks at the end, but simply don't remember doing it.

This was a full three and a half years before my first symptom caused by glioblastoma, but I could not help but wonder like, 'who made these decisions?' (not unlike Kermit's "Who hired this crew?"). There was no one but me involved in the process, btw.

As part of today's journaling, I decided to post the re-created song -- this is a little different from what you'll hear on the album, of course, because I'm trying to show where I was at with it before presenting it to Chris. Trigger Warning: this isn't necessary going to sound uplifting or positive :)

Chris Lively - Feather - Comfortable Mind (modified):

(I feel the obligatory but perhaps futile music worker's push to urge everyone to use a good set of speakers or headphones to hear this, or you'll likely miss what I was attempting to talk about. Then again, maybe phones and earbuds are better :) )
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2018-11-25 16:02:44 UTC 2018-11-25 16:02 UTC

josh:  quick update - hope you all have had a great weekend (and holiday weekend, if that applied). I'm close to halfway through my radiation protocol, and I'm finally losing some hair -- just about an inch of hair over my left ear, where they're focusing the most to get to the place where the tumor was. I'm not sure exactly what I'll do - it looks like the stupidest '80s dance music haircut you could imagine (and I know some of you can imagine stupider haircuts than others -- it's you I'm talking to). That is - matching the cut on the right side is not a good choice :)

I was doing great physically until I managed to catch a cold almost a week ago - that's a different experience when you're in chemo and radio therapy, which are affecting your immune system in odd ways. I think I'm almost over it -- I better be by tomorrow (going back to work). Overall, it wasn't as bad as I feared.

Hope you all are having a great day or night as the case may be!

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2018-11-8 23:52:19 UTC 2018-11-08 23:52 UTC

josh:  Jane and I met with my neuro oncologist on Wednesday. We got some more information about the cancer - it's testing out as glioblastoma multiforme, IDH wildtype, MGMT-unmethylated. This makes it tougher to treat, because it's more resistant to the standard of care than variants like "mutated" and "methylated". That wasn't good news, but the doctor was very encouraging about looking at the overall situation more generally. That is to say, even though the cancer itself is turning out with the more troubling details, my story with it so far has a lot of positive aspects: the relatively short amount of time I spent before diagnosis, the smashingly successful surgery, the fact that I'm still functional, etc. -- all good things that could be pointing at a longer survival time.

I started the radiation and chemo therapy at the beginning of the week. Neither is nearly as troublesome as I had feared. I'm getting the radiation done in the late afternoon and taking the chemo pills later in the evening, so that by the next morning, I'm in pretty good shape and can go to work. I feel a little loopy after the radiation, but that seems to be getting better instead of worse day by day.

Here's a picture of me in the "mask" they made for me that makes it so that I can't move during radiation (important!):

I'm pretty sure that plus sign on the piece of white tape is where the zap is hitting. I'm losing hair in that area, but still have some of it.

Also, I'm in the clinical trial! Seemed like I was close to not qualifying a few times, so that's a relief. This trial is at an early stage, so they're not using placebos. I'll try and do another post with more information about it -- it involves an infusion of the drug they're testing once every two weeks, along with some blood tests, etc. I had the first infusion on Monday (along with the first radiation and chemo - heavy day :) ). I didn't have a negative reaction to the tested drug - more good news.

It's a little challenging to keep up with all the appointments while watching diet and trying to get back into exercise (slowly working back into that now that the initial surgery recovery period has passed), but totally doable. Jane's still having to do the heavy lifting for what the two of us split up more evenly before. Hopefully that changes before too long.

And once again - thanks everybody!!!

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US voting day! 2018-11-06 13:45 UTC
I was thinking I would post about radiation and chemo therapy, but it's voting day in the US, and that's much more important. I thought about how I could stress the importance of showing up to vote, but there's no way I can say it better than Seth Godin did today on his blog. Here's part of what he said:


We're being played, manipulated and pushed around. It's important to not fall for it.

Here's the simple math:

If you're tempted to not vote because of the vitriol or the imperfect nature of the choices, then you're supporting a downward cycle, in which the candidate who best suppresses voter turnout of the opponent's backer wins.

On the other hand, if you always vote for the least-bad option, then a forward cycle will kick in, in which candidates (and their consultants and backers, who are also causing this problem) will realize that always being a little less bad than the other guy is a winning strategy. Which leads to a virtuous cycle in the right direction.

Don't get tricked. Show up.


here's a link to his full post. I'll go back to cancer posts starting tomorrow :)

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